One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I could fuck to npr.
Let's get the cat blown out
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
