I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
