I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
