I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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