I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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