I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
