I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
