I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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