The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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