it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
