Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
