I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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