I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
