I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
