That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
