I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize