We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
