Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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