she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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