I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
They are going to name an STD after you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
