Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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