just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
