No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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