Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
