It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
