I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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