I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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