Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
