I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
