these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
dude. I can hear the air.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize