My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
