hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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