I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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