Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
