Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I forget how to act sober
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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