Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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