Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
