I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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