i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
