If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize