So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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