i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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