I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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