I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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