So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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