Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
