I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
worst night to have a conscience
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize