people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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