ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
