remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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