I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
