Where is the hickey?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
