Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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