I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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