you mean i was at the winter classic?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
