There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
