he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
